*ask me for any clarification*

#metoo

may 17th of 2014 lives in infamy for me and all those close to me
no cure for how it was supposed to be
or how it ended up
we had gathered to mark six years passing since the worst mistake of my life
a dear friend with a broken heart wanted to join our revelry
whiskey smokes and counting crows karaoke
we got back to church late and the friend asked if they could spend the night
i told them id be hanging with friends but if they wanted to stay in my room that’d be alright
a couple hrs of conversation later i made my way to my room
two something on the clock and light shining down from the moon
i woke up to a body rubbing against mine and the clock showing 4:22
i reached for them and said hey are you sure this is something you want to do?
yes they replied and began to guide my hands and lips across their body
things escalated as you might imagine but upon the completion of their zenith i was again ready for sleep
awakened once more by novel touch of a body in my bed that wasn’t mine
they pulled me close and told me “i want you to fuck me”
close minded at the time i thought that could only mean i’d need a condom and of course there was none to be found
and so i offered a conciliatory going down
they said that would do and and when they finished i asked if i could take care of myself and reacquaint myself with slumber
i woke up when the sun was fully in the sky to no sign of my friend anywhere
i called and texted but got no reply and thought maybe they were just upset somehow about how things went down
guilt and shame about our bodies can often resound
but who wants to wear that crown
i talked with friends and they said sometimes you hook up with someone and later regret it
and i thought yeah i guess that must be it
but a week later imagine my surprise when i found correspondence from that friend
they said i took advantage of their emotional state
they said i had assaulted them
they said they remembered all of my checking in and trying to practice “ good consent”
they said they felt too scared to tell me no because of my size and being in my room
they told me i was to tell everyone that i had committed sexual assault but tell no one who i was supposed to have assaulted
or even how it happened
just i was to wear the label of sexual assaulter in perpetuity

this blew my mind because they were the one who initiated things and i asked over and over if everything that we were doing was what they wanted
it blew my mind because i was only doing the things they told me to do

i thought maybe they experienced the night differently and tried to do the things they asked of me

but time passed, rumors spread and on the internet someone heard from someone who heard from someone that i raped someone
thanks callout culture!

people told me “well you always have to believe the victim”
why didn’t they believe me then?

you see these were just small towns
and if their skin is white and mine is brown
if they have that f in their identity and me that m
then its the same old story that keeps getting passed down
from emmit till to antonio rodríguez the song never changes a sound
for amab poc justice is a dream that can never be found

so i’ve forgiven that person for what they did to me
but fuck forever any internet vigilante
i live my life with transparency
you can find me in my community
being the very best i can be
and of course sometimes we all hurt each other but if we cant make space to address that hurt and grow from it we might as well just put on a cop uniform because at least then we would know where we stood

#metoo as if if a hashtag ever did any good